Spoofer Cell: Twisted Anthology
by llamaBoyPH
Summary: A spy, a child actress an a rapper... What happens when Sam Fisher tries to infiltrate Willy Wonka's factory, gets to meet some celebrities and stuff? With cameos from Justin Timberlake, Shirley Temple, the Care Bears... Rated T for violence & drug refs..
1. Chapter 1

**"Spoofer Cell: Twisted Anthology" by llamaBoyPH (aka LPG-Unit)**

**LEGAL CRAP:** The author does not to intend to flame, trash-talk, or insult any of the people mentioned in this story. If you guys find this insane, I'm sorry, but this is my Splinter Cell story...

* * *

**Chapter 1: Back To Basics...**

**OBJECTIVES:**

1. Time-travel to 16 September 1938.  
2. Find Shirley Temple.  
3. Interrogate and kidnap her.  
4. Go back to the year 2008.

**DIFFICULTY:** extreme and sometimes insane...

* * *

**Location:** currently hiding in an abandoned building  
**Time:** 15 September 2007

(as narrated by Sam Fisher)

For life to continue, there must be children. And as long as there are children, there will be child actors and actresses. But what if you messed up some actress' life and make her ridiculous? Why did we do this sort of trashing to an actress we humans know as Shirley Temple? To get the Willy Wonka ticket from her. Here's how...

I was a bit bored in the building, so I sang a parody of Shirley Temple's _On The Good Ship Lollipop..._

_"When you're being chased by the cops,  
All the coppers will just make you stop,  
If you were caught, you'll end up in high security jail..."_

"Fisher!" Lambert yelled from my phone. "We need you for a new mission,"

"What, another clowning mission for those guys from the rehab?" I asked sarcastically.

"No, Fisher, we need to infiltrate Wonka's factory and Strawberryland. But first, we need to get the Golden Ticket from an actress,"

"What actress?" I asked.

"You know, the rather dorky kid who sang 'On The Good Ship Lollipop'?" Lambert replied.

"You mean Shirley Jane Temple. But how will we get the ticket from her? She's freakin' old now," I asked.

"Time travel; you need to go to September 1938, sneak in a Hollywood studio, interrogate the kid...that's it! Then we'll proceed to the next mission," Lambert explained.

"Don't worry Lambert, I'm a professional," I said mockingly.

"A Harley-Davidson sidecar will pick you up there," said Lambert.

-------------------------------------------------

**Location:** Third Echelon HQ

"Are you sure this Chronosphere will work?" I asked.

"Don't worry, I'll chust set zis stationary bike-slash-chronosphere's timer to ze target period, and off you go!" Grim explained.

"Good luck, Fisher," Lambert greeted.

And off I go to AD 1938, where lead paint was cool, cars were like beetles and unemployed people were trying to find time to survive...

-------------------------------------------------

**Location:** Los Angeles, CA  
16 September 1938, 0245h

"I'm in, Lambert," I said, in the Chrono Communicator-slash-shaver.

"OK, Fisher, you need to sneak inside the studio. You may see some guards in the place. Close-range attacks and headbutts are the thing here," said Lambert, "Any casualties in there will compromise the mission,"

"Did they install any alarms in there?" I asked.

"Maybe..." Lambert replied.

So I sneaked inside the building, as usual, and headbutted the guard in the Zidane fashion. I didn't grab the key from him, as I spent my time picking the lock. I then blew out the light with my SC-20K, and went inside.

I saw a few people inside, in the 1930s attire, of course, which reminds me of Christna Aguilera's latest album that my daughter Sarah bought when she was alive. I then interrogated a a studio worker...

"Huh? Who are you?" said the worker.

"You won't know who I am, bozo," I said, "Now tell me, where's Temple? WHERE'S TEMPLE?"

"She's...at the...dressing room, when you turn left...you will see a pink door..." the worker said.

"Thanks a lot," I said. I then blew out the lights, sticky-shocked the guy and found the dressing room. It smelled fresh like perfume, and as usual, the door was locked. I then used my lock pick at the Yale, and the door opened. Shirley, who wasn't obviously used to people like me, wearing three-lensed goggles, high-tech gadgetry, Nokia mobile phones and stuff unheard of the 1930s, was astonished at me. Her personal assistant was also astonished, and seeing the gun I'm holding, she then shrieked...

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" the PA screamed.

"Don't hurt us, sir, who are you?" Shirley cried.

"Let's just say I'm your guardian angel, Temple," I said, "I'm from the year 2008, and I need the Golden Ticket from you. If you want to, here's a lollipop,"

"Thanks, but what do you really want from me?" Shirley asked, "You want to be an actor too?"

"No, I'm not here for the fame, I'm here for a mission," I replied, "Come with me, Shirl,"

"But what about my movie?" Shirley asked, "You know, Little Miss Broadway?"

"Never mind the movie, kid," I quipped.

I then blew out the lights in the dressing room with another sticky-shocker, and off we went to the corridor.

"Hey, what on earth is Shirley Temple doing here?" a guard asked.

"Will you shut up?" I yelled, pointing the SC rifle at him.

"OK, OK, never mind," the guard replied, knowing that I was wearing a rather weird pair of goggles.

**TO BE CONTINUED???**

Chapter 2 coming soon, guys...


	2. Chapter 2: Hollywood Drift

**"Spoofer Cell: Twisted Anthology" by llamaBoyPH (aka LPG-Unit)  
**  
**LEGAL CRAP:** The author does not to intend to flame, trash-talk, or insult any of the people mentioned in this story. If you guys find this insane, I'm sorry, but this is my Splinter Cell story...

* * *

**Chapter 1.1: Hollywood Drift**

**OBJECTIVES:**

**1.** Retrieve Sam's Nokia  
**2.** Lose the thugs  
**3.** Go back to year 2008

**DIFFICULTY:** do we have to tell you?

* * *

OK, so I got Shirley out of the studio, but it seemed that I forgot my Nokia. It was a N93i, the Finnish electronics firm's top-of-the-line model. No, I'm not promoting any product or something. I had some files in the device, including some from a girl named Elizabeth Thornberry and a hacker named Huckleberry Pie, which had been involved in several not-so-important Third Echelon operations, such as tampering traffic meters and hacking on public coin-operated telephones, and the occasional song parody. Shirl wore a pink dress, brown Mary Jane shoes, and was about to do the "courtroom dance sequence" with another actor. We strolled around the corridor for a minute, and something came to my mind...

"Shirl, I'm sorry but I forgot something from the studio," I said.

"What is it?" Shirley asked.

"That clamshell thing with a glowing light on it," I quipped.

"Oh, it seems that you dropped it in my dressing room," replied Shirley.

"That seems easy, simply going back from the site will help," I replied. "I'm good at infiltrating, you know,"

"Oh..." Shirley shrugged.

"If you don't mind making your pink dress really soiled, maybe you could join me," I said. "I saw a ventilation shaft that might lead to your dressing room,"

"Uh, okay," said the actress.

"Shirl, here's some night vision goggles. You can see in the dark in this thing, something that the US Army hasn't even dreamed of yet in your time," I explained. "It can also sense heat from fellow humans, animals, appliances, and can even sense body odor. Reddish blotches indicate a heat source. Requires 2 AA batteries, Try it on, kid,"

(Shirl then fired up the SC goggles)

--goggle sound--

"Coooooool,"

"OK, we need to climb up the ventilation shaft. I don't have a map of the building, so we'll rely on our wits," I explained.

"My dad said that my room's at the middle of the building...I dunno," Shirley replied.

We then got in the shaft, and I saw a light. It wasn't really that bright, but it seems something's going on around there. We then took a peek. I saw Eminem and a bunch of Shirley-wannabes with their moms and dads. There also was a CD player and a hip-hop DJ in the room, with "The Real Slim Shady" playing...

"Eminem? What on earth is he doing here with kids trying to be like you?" I asked Shirl.

"I don't know. I haven't heard of Eminem yet; he must have came from your time period too," Temple replied.

"Never mind," I quipped.

I then found another opening that led to the dressing room. We both used our goggles and confirmed our suspicions.

"There it is," I said.

I then pried out the trap door, with a Gordon Freeman-style crowbar. Then, I grabbed the kid and rappelled down the now-messy room. I then picked up my phone; it only had a few minutes of battery power left. I then picked up my Barney the dinosaur wind-up toy-slash-cellphone charger, connected it to my N93i, and wound it up a couple of times.

"C'mon, Shirl, let's get out of this joint,"

We then sneaked our way out of the studio, and I then realized that Shirl's parents were a target of some lame gangster group.

"Well, look who's here - it's Little Miss Lollipop," the gang leader said. "Shoot her and the weird-looking guy on sight,"

"We must get out of here!" I yelled. "RUN!" (Shirl then ran for her life)

I then drew my SC-20K, and I then began shooting at the thugs. I ran out of ammo, so I did some Krav Maga at some of them. I finally decided to run after the actress; I took advantage of my stealth skills here, as those methods weren't perfected in the 1930s, except maybe for some clowns running away from kids in their birthday. I then met with Temple, and...

"Ludacris? What on earth are you doing here?" I asked.

"I guess you kidnapped that Shirley kid, man," the rapper said. "Yo, Shirl, you and your curls remind me of Justin Timberlake,"

"Shirl, do you know where your parents' car is?" I asked. "Maybe if we could hotwire that thing..."

"It's in the parking lot," Shirl replied.

"C'mon, let's get the heck outta' here," Ludacris whispered. "The thugs are coming..."

We then got in the car, hotwired it, and off we go... The thugs saw us on our car, so we decided to lose them, Tokyo Drift style. Ludacris and the girl then fired up the iPod and they began listening to the song the Teriaki Boyz made famous...

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
